The Anatomy of A Cheek Kiss - The Subjective and Incomplete Guide to Kissing Air

After years of living outside of my birth country, I'm often asked whether I've ever experienced any cultural misunderstandings as an expat. My answer is always the same: apart from the language barrier, my misunderstandings (even though relatively minor) all have one common denominator - greetings. For me, the moment before I meet someone new these days is when the terror sets in. Should I go for a handshake, a hug, a wave, or dare I go for the exotic yet whimsical cheek kiss? For the first twenty-some years of my life, handshakes, hugs, waves, and even nods were all I knew. But that all changed when I moved to Portugal and faced the challenges of the loved, the feared, and revered cheek-kissing culture. 

The Many Faces of the Big Little Kisses

Let me demonstrate the cultural differences between a cheek-kissing culture and a no-cheek-kissing culture with an example. If you were on the phone with, say, your personal trainer whom you'd met a few times or an acquaintance (i.e. not a close friend nor a love interest) and at the end of the call they would say, "Kisses!" would you find that a) flirty, b) odd, or c) completely normal? In my birth country Finland, I have a feeling the answer would be either a) or b), but for instance in Portugal, where everybody and their mother sends you beijinhos, "little kisses," I think you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone who didn't consider that normal.

In Portugal, beijinhos come in many different shapes and forms. They can be actual cheek kisses or they can just be a spoken or a written word at the end of an informal (!) call or a message, as in, "Parabéns! Beijinhos!" ("Happy Birthday! Little kisses!"). Occasionally, it's even possible to avoid the whole act of a physical beijinho just by saying "Beijinho" to another person you are sharing space with rather than taking a small step towards them and going for a cheek kiss. Strangely, the Portuguese see nothing wrong with that.

Sometimes the Portuguese can even send you beijinhos grandes, which translates to "big little kisses." I think this is fascinating! As "big" and "little" cancel each other out, we are, of course, left with "normal-sized kisses," which would translate to beijos normais. For whatever reason, though, the Portuguese seem to favor beijinhos grandes ("big little kisses") over beijos normais ("normal-sized kisses"), leaving the receiver of these kisses having to do the math themselves. Again, the Portuguese see nothing wrong with that.

Now I no longer live in Portugal (but in another cheek-kissing culture, Belgium), but I like to use it as an example to demonstrate how there can be a lot more to a cheek-kissing culture than the actual physical cheek kiss. However, as every culture is different, I urge you to do your research before making any bold assumptions. But let's now get down to business and to the topic of this post - the actual cheek kiss.

Technique

What is the right method of executing a successful cheek kiss, then? This is the question everybody from a no-cheek-kissing culture traveling to a cheek-kissing culture would love to know, and yet, it is so ridiculous that nobody in their right mind would ever even dream of asking it. That is, of course, unless you are me.

When I was brand new to Portugal, I told my local friend that I should probably practice the double-cheek kiss before going to any dinner parties with other Portuguese folk. My friend laughed, thinking I was kidding. I wasn't. And not only was I not kidding, but I had all kinds of questions concerning technique, including - but not limited to - which cheek I should go for first when greeting another person. My friend's response to this very legit inquiry was a shrug followed by, "I don't know. You just go with the flow," which - if you're reading this, old friend - is the kind of infuriating non-answer that makes everybody want to bang their head against the wall and scream, "Life is too short!" But even though I got no help from friends with my technique, worry not, peeps, I've picked it up off the streets, and I'm here to share my wisdom. 

So. Personally, I favor what we could call the "less is more" or the "keep it simple" approach: What I do is I lean in ever-so-slightly and offer my right cheek like a passive princess, letting the cheek do the work. Usually this does the trick. Sometimes, although quite rarely, the person you're greeting can quite literally turn the other (their left) cheek when you're trying to go for the right. If that happens, the most important thing is to roll with the punches. If you panic and jerk your head in the opposite direction too quickly, the kiss might very well land right smack dab in the middle of your lips. And yes, this has happened to me once in my life, but more about that later (How's that for a cliffhanger, eh? I've even used a vague term 'later,' which means you'll now have to read the whole thing so as not to miss it! Pretty clever, huh?). 

Now, another thing you might be wondering is whether or not the kiss should land on the face. Well, the cheek-kissing cultures I'm familiar with are where you just brush cheeks with the person you're greeting and make a kissing sound. I'm sure, however, that there are cultures out there where the kiss lands, but, again, do your research and if you're not sure, the safest bet is to kiss air. 

Number 

How many cheek kisses should you give? Unfortunately, there's no definite answer to this. In Lisbon, Portugal, (in my experience) it's two - one per cheek. I believe in Spain it's the same thing. But in general, the question of number seems to be something that doesn't just vary from country to country but even from city to city. 

In Liège, Belgium, where I live now, people only cheek-kiss once for "hellos" and "goodbyes." This sometimes caused issues when I was new to the city. Out of old Portuguese habit, I would often go for the second kiss but then was left hanging. Now, if this happens to you, there's only one thing you can do: act cool as if you actually meant to do just one kiss and then went for some spontaneous face tightening exercises.

The number of cheek kisses is the most difficult thing to get right in an international meeting. The rule of thumb is to "do as the Romans do," but bear in mind that other people, especially if they're new to the city in question, might not follow suit. They might either go for more kisses you're used to, or no kisses at all.

I know that in the Netherlands - at least in some parts - you are supposed to give three cheek kisses. Okay, I'm sorry, but, in my opinion, anything over two is just an overkill. Imagine being at a house party but, before leaving, you had to give three cheek kisses to twenty people in the house. If you were, for example, dependent on public transport, your best bet would be to start your kissing operation half an hour before you actually had to be out of the door so as not to miss your bus. Goodbyes are actually when I most miss the simple days of a wave in the general direction of all party-goers, a loud "See you, guys!" and boom, you're on your merry way. Much faster and gets the job done. And if somebody happens to be in the bathroom when you say your goodbyes, then too bad (if you poop, you lose). A number of times my fiancé and I have actually snuck out of a party as surreptitiously as we could to avoid the lengthy cheek-kissing ceremony simply because we just didn't have the time. 

Mishaps 

You would think that there'd be tons of mishaps with anything that involves kissing, but personally I have only ever witnessed one! And, unfortunately, when I say "witnessed" what I mean is that I was, in fact, not a mere witness but 50 percent of the accidental culprits. 

But before we get to that (I'm keeping you in suspense for a little while longer), let's talk about smaller mishaps that are more common and less embarrassing, such as the infamous cheek bump. Yes, a cheek bump is a real thing. As the name suggests, it happens when the two parties involved both offer their cheeks too aggressively and, consequently, end up bumping cheeks. To avoid a bruised cheek and/or ego, it's best to be very careful and rather passive when you offer your cheek. 

Another (pretty minor) thing is big hats. If you're wearing a hat that has a particularly wide brim, it's a good idea to take it off for the duration of the cheek kiss or you'll risk poking someone's eye out. Of course, not all hats are created equal in this sense as the picture below demonstrates:

Bigger mishaps are often related to social context. As you've probably noticed, I haven't talked about who kisses who in this post. That's because this varies a lot! For example, in Portugal, cheek kisses between men don't seem to be particularly common. In Liège, on the other hand, everybody cheek-kisses everybody in an informal context. The operative word here is "informal." Maybe in some cultures a cheek kiss could even be a formal greeting, but you might want to do your research before you go to your new boss sporting a duck-face, or they might get the wrong idea.

And now (finally!), let's talk about the ultimate cheek kiss gone wrong. This happened to me a few years ago when I was trying to perform a very dangerous combo (two cheek kisses + a hug) with somebody who was going for an even more dangerous combo (three cheek kisses + a hug). Because one tried to go for a hug when the other tried to go for the third kiss, the lips ended up meeting in the middle! DUNN DUNN DUNNNN.

Now, if this happens to you, for the love of God, stay calm! Granted, it might take more than a decent poker face to act as if nothing happened especially when your friend next to you is rolling in laughter, but do your best. Act normal and wait until you get back home to let the ground swallow you up. And the next time you see this person (if there is a next time), refer back to my advice on technique: Keep. It. Simple!

Closing words

And so comes to an end The Subjective and Incomplete Guide to Kissing Air. If you've got personal experience on a particular country's cheek-kissing culture, I'd love to know, so please do share in the comments!


MUAH!